You are in control AND in Love! Are you fooling yourself?

One of the most dangerous, sneaky forms of addiction

that is very common among highly intelligent people is this form of codependency.

You think you have it all under your CONTROL, and YOU DO!!!

But is THAT what you really want?

„Dangerous“ because you can spend your entire life in it without ever coming to understanding that you have NO IDEA about what Love is! You just feel yourself sinking deeper and deeper in some sort of unexplainable depression. Everyone and everything around you become strangers at some point and you are surrounded by „people in roles“. There is no one who touches you emotionally.

The emptiness and numbness that someone might experience after the drug or alcohol „high“ is your every day reality.

It's getting harder and harder to find something that excites you, something that you are passionate about.

And you have NO IDEA that you need help!

You think that „life sucks“ that everyone has to „put up“ with something.

True joy seems out of reach for you.

How does that happen?

Being „strong in brain“ always helped you to get things your way.

So you've figured out – That's the way to DO Love too!

And if you are naturally born „helper“, you also possess some trait to serve you for that, like stronger empathy or intuition, so you can „tune into“ other people, or „read“ other people more easily.

Then, you've probably grown up in a very closed environment, with strict rules and/or no talking, no sharing of intimacy, so your need to „take a stand“, „to play a role“ is over-developed.

It is also possible that you have suffered some early trauma that left you feel insecure (like being born prematurely and left alone in incubator for some time, having one or both parents in active addiction, having a narcissistic parent, suffering any type of abandonment or abuse – physical, emotional, sexual..) and it's possible that facing that insecurity scares you so much that you would rather look for some „way around“.

Nothing wrong with that.

The only thing is – there is no „way around“ for Love – either you live IN it, or you live OUT of it.

Are you in control or in Love? the sea of Love

This codependency trap is so well hidden that each of your „moves“, that your brain perceives like „we are getting it right!“ or „we are in control!“, gets you trapped in the addiction „net“ more and more.

In essence, you use your abilities to scan other people, their needs and wants, their gestures and reactions, their language and postures, their likes and dislikes, their soft spots .. just like learning the positions of buttons on accordion .. and then you play.

And you don't manipulate, o no! You honestly, genuinely want to MAKE those PEOPLE FEEL GOOD, because you know that the easiest way to MAKE someone like you, to GET some attention, to EARN some respect is through – making people feel good! Take a look at these verbs. They all really respond to that question that all of us „ask“ ourselves when born „How to get some Love in here?“

And on the top of that, if GETTING that Love has a big MUST! attached to it because of your insecurity that you don't want to look at, your brain will employ all of its capacities to get you and keep you in „loving relationships that YOU can CONTROL!“

Of course, the other person in such a „loving relationship“ can only be someone who uses that role for some need/purpose of their own, or someone who is also active in codependency. It's a „control exchange“, nothing to do with Love.

How do you get out?

1. Be honest with yourself: Do you want to be in Control OR in Love?

Anyone who knows Love can tell you that in a true, loving relationship, only LOVE IS IN CONTROL. And two people decide that they want to live in it and they cherish it and respect it as the only real „boss“ of their relationship.

2. Decide that you want to get out of controlling „love“ – like any other process of change, this one requires decision as well. If you are not sure about that, try to connect in a true, loving way with yourself, or someone you like and respect, a friend or a family member, to get the sense of how it feels like to be truly in Love

3. If you decide to start the process of change, have someone to support you and share with them every step of the way (it's better that you get professional help, because it is very likely that your practicing of „controlling love“ left you with very few people who know you well and can lead you through that process)

4. Face and release your trauma (if that's the case)

5. Start creating new, deeper, meaningful connections with people who make you feel secure and who support you in being/expressing the REAL you (this means – HOWEVER you are and feel in every single moment)

6. Spend time outside, in nature, as much as you can .. you need more of fresh, alive, green in your life

7. Choose a couple that you admire for their loving relationship and learn from them what does it mean and feel like to be real partners who are growing together

Not sure yet?

Be honest with yourself: Does being in control and knowing how to earn smiles and attention of others make you feel loved and connected to those people on a deeper level? Or do you feel more like a lonely king or a tired comedian at the end of the day?

The truth is that our „buttons“ can change many times during one day! And that's how a life of a REAL person looks like. When we are in Love with them, it means that we are WITH THEM through those changes. We connect regularly, we exchange thoughts and feelings and we follow each other through those changes.

We are not accordions to be played, but people to be loved.

Love yourself and your great traits and choose to use them for what you really want.

We are here to help.

For healing of trauma, you can find many useful practices in Sneza's book "REBIRTH or about Post-Traumatic Growth" 


 

SCM NEW RECOVERY APPROACH, based on psychodynamic approach, latest neurology, different energy healing modalities and Sneza's empathic and intuitive abilities,  offers simple and effective solutions to some of the most challenging life situations. 

 

What is Addiction and how we work with clients